“Have you had unprotected gay sex?"This time he got a snort and a laugh. "I ain‘t no butt pirate."Roan felt the urge to say, " Arr matey, prepare to be boarded," but somehow managed to repress it.”

“‎"Repeat that?""It's National Talk Like a Pirate Day. Didn't you know?""Somehow I missed the memo.""You mean, 'Somehow I missed the memo, arrr!'""Precisely. Arr. So, Mrs. Jack... Er, is that still your name? Or, I tremble to ask, have you adopted a pirate identity?""Arr, matey, of course I have! It's..." She pulled an eggplant from the grocery bag. "Captain Eggplantier." She needed to stop speaking the first words that popped into her mind."Captain Eggplanteir." He sounded very doubtful. "That's right. A family name. It's Belgian.”

“See, I thought gay sex would be all different and weird, but it was just like having sex with a woman, except way hotter. I guess you can't believe stuff you see on the Internet, because you know, the hot gay sex I had last night was totally awesome, and nobody like, put their entire hand in my butt." Doug stood and walked over to Stephen, who was shoving a bagel into a Ziploc bag. "Anyway, hold on, here he is," Doug said into the phone, and then held it out towards him. "It's your mom.”

“She says, "Do you have any rubbers?" I say, I thought she was barren. "Sure, I'm sterile," she says, "but I've had unprotected sex with a million guys. I could have some terrible fatal disease." I say that would only be a problem if I wanted to live a lot longer. Fertility says, " That's how I feel about my giant credit card debt." So we have sex. If you could call it that.”

“He shakes his head miserably. “If only I’d gotten here sooner….”“You got here in plenty of time,” I say with a snort. “We’re okay.”“But the truck!” he says as he turns back to us. “It was so cherry.”

“Fred prepared a board game he had created for the entire family to play. And they did.”