“A word to those of you out there who have yet to be offended by something I have said: Please be patient. I am working as fast as I can.”

“I love to engage in repartee with people who are stupider than I am. ”

“I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do.”

“It’s often said that those who are unduly bothered by gays are latent homosexuals. Isn’t it possible that people obsessed with racism are themselves racist.”

“Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly refuses to show the Muslim cartoons on The O’Reilly Factor, saying he doesn’t want to offend anyone’s religion. Someone should tell him those endless interviews with prostitutes from the Bunny Ranch and porn stars aren’t high on Christians’ list of enjoyable viewing either.”

“From the people who brought you "zero tolerance," I present the Gun-Free Zone! Yippee! Problem solved! Bam! Bam! Everybody down! Hey, how did that deranged loner get a gun into this Gun-Free Zone?”

“Already liberals are trying to rewrite the history of the Cold War to remove Reagan from its core, to make him a doddering B-movie actor who happened to be standing there when the Soviet Union imploded. They have the media, the universities, the textbooks. We have ourselves. We are the witnesses. ”