“From the people who brought you "zero tolerance," I present the Gun-Free Zone! Yippee! Problem solved! Bam! Bam! Everybody down! Hey, how did that deranged loner get a gun into this Gun-Free Zone?”

“Guns are our friends because in a country without guns, I'm what's known as "prey." All females are.”

“The New York Times editorial page is like a Ouija board that has only three answers, no matter what the question. The answers are: higher taxes, more restrictions on political speech and stricter gun control.”

“I love to engage in repartee with people who are stupider than I am. ”

“A word to those of you out there who have yet to be offended by something I have said: Please be patient. I am working as fast as I can.”

“It’s often said that those who are unduly bothered by gays are latent homosexuals. Isn’t it possible that people obsessed with racism are themselves racist.”

“I think there should be a literacy test and a poll tax for people to vote.”