“I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do.”

“I love to engage in repartee with people who are stupider than I am. ”

“A word to those of you out there who have yet to be offended by something I have said: Please be patient. I am working as fast as I can.”

“The idea that making an activity legal would reduce its incidence is preposterous. This is exactly like the Clintonian statement about wanting to make abortion 'safe, legal and rare.' The most effective way to make something 'rare' is to make it illegal.”

“But liberals love to drape themselves in decades-old glories they had nothing to do with.”

“The New York Times and the rest of the mainstream media will only refer to partial birth abortion as 'what its opponents refer to as partial birth abortions.' What do its supporters call it? Casual Fridays? Bean-with-bacon potato chip dip? Uh . . . Steve?”

“I'm a Christian first, and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don't you ever forget it. You know who else was kind of "divisive" in terms of challenging the status quo and the powers-that-be of his day? Jesus Christ.”