“I love to engage in repartee with people who are stupider than I am. ”

“A word to those of you out there who have yet to be offended by something I have said: Please be patient. I am working as fast as I can.”

“I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do.”

“From the people who brought you "zero tolerance," I present the Gun-Free Zone! Yippee! Problem solved! Bam! Bam! Everybody down! Hey, how did that deranged loner get a gun into this Gun-Free Zone?”

“I think there should be a literacy test and a poll tax for people to vote.”

“It’s often said that those who are unduly bothered by gays are latent homosexuals. Isn’t it possible that people obsessed with racism are themselves racist.”

“But liberals love to drape themselves in decades-old glories they had nothing to do with.”