“I’m sure now’s the time in my life to be doing a lot of things I’m not doing. I feel bad about that. But even worse is knowing that when i’m eighty-four I’ll look back on where I am now and think: those were the days.”

“The only thing that's worse than people who say "I am what I am" is people who say "I yam what I yam" while doing a Popeye imitation.”

“People are always doing studies. Now there's one that says drinking coffee can lead to the prevention of memory loss in old age. This is terrible news. Drinking coffee is my greatest pleasure in life. That, and forgetting.”

“Complaining is a lot like talking, only more constructive.”

“Only once can I say “I’m dying” without telling a lie. The best day of my life may already be behind me.”

“For Liza, a greeting is an opportunity to make new friends. For me, it's yet more people I'll have to avoid.”

“There are moments in my life when I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, doing exactly what I’m supposed to do. I pay attention to them. They’re my cosmic landmarks, letting me know I’m on the right path. Now that I’m older and can look back and see where I missed a turn here and there, and know the price I paid for those oversights, I try to look sharper at the present.”