“The only thing that's worse than people who say "I am what I am" is people who say "I yam what I yam" while doing a Popeye imitation.”

“I’m sure now’s the time in my life to be doing a lot of things I’m not doing. I feel bad about that. But even worse is knowing that when i’m eighty-four I’ll look back on where I am now and think: those were the days.”

“People are always doing studies. Now there's one that says drinking coffee can lead to the prevention of memory loss in old age. This is terrible news. Drinking coffee is my greatest pleasure in life. That, and forgetting.”

“For Liza, a greeting is an opportunity to make new friends. For me, it's yet more people I'll have to avoid.”

“Complaining is a lot like talking, only more constructive.”

“I yam what I yam, and that's all what I yam.”

“I yam what I am.”