“On the Vanity of Earthly GreatnessThe tusks which clashed in mighty brawlsOf mastodons, are billiard balls.The sword of Charlemagne the JustIs Ferric Oxide, known as rust.The grizzly bear, whose potent hug,Was feared by all, is now a rug.Great Caesar's bust is on the shelf,And I don't feel so well myself.”

“Don't tell your friends about your indigestions: "How are you!" is a greeting, not a question.”

“I hope the Vandals had thorns in their sandals”

“In life as in football, fall forward when you fall.”

“For it is a matter of daily observation that people take the greatest pleasure in that which satisfies their vanity; and vanity cannot be satisfied without comparison with others.”

“Then you may have sheer clotted nonsense; I once chased Julius Caesar all over London to get his recipe for curried eggs.”

“He would say, "How funny it will all seem, all you've gone through, when I'm not here anymore, when you no longer feel my arms around your shoulders, nor my heart beneath you, nor this mouth on your eyes, because I will have to go away some day, far away..." And in that instant I could feel myself with him gone, dizzy with fear, sinking down into the most horrible blackness: into death.”