“My life came complete with a factory-installed biological brother seven years my senior. ”

“[My brother] shaped my young life. First, he taught me how to walk. Then, armed with sticks and dead snakes, he chased me and I learned how to run.”

“My brother was born without taste or the desire to be professionally lit.”

“My brother had very specific likes and dislikes. Basically, he liked anything until it harmed him and then he was wary.”

“I gazed around the room and my eyes stopped dead on a little boy standing in the corner. This was a particularly eerie doll. Life-sized and blond-haired and blue-eyed. I saw a little Nazi boy, pockets probably stuffed with scissors and retractable blades. My grandfather on my mother's side was rumored to be half Jewish, which practically makes me Jerry Seinfeld's brother, and thus wary of blond German boys with their hands out of sight.”

“Oh, I had a great time. My thirty-three-year-old boyfriend said he wished they could package my cum like ice cream so he could eat it all day.”

“Now I can add prostitute to my list of life's accomplishments.”