“It's going to be legen...wait for it...and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant cause the second half of that word is...dairy!”

“Mrs. Francis, may I introduce the Scourge of the Skies, the Terror of Dairy Farmers, the Lord of Lactose, Master of the Cheese Pirates of Snow Monkey Island, Captain Cheesebeard.”

“Men will tolerate what they are used to, even if it’s intolerance. That’s why I still drink milk, even though I’m lactose intolerant. Mamma didn’t raise no bigot.”

“Frank: "I wish I was ADHD or dyslexic. All I got is lactose intolerance."Percy: "Seriously?"Frank: "And I love ice cream too...”

“An interesting thing happened today,” she said, giving me just enough time to get the word “hi” out of my mouth. “I opened the front door and there was a man on my doorstep. A big man. A very big, very black man.”“Rachel —”“You said it would be discreet. His T–shirt had the words ‘Klan Killer’ written on the front.”“I —”“And do you know what he said?”I waited.“He handed me a note from Louis and told me he was lactose intolerant. That was it. Note. Lactose intolerant. Nothing else. He’s coming to the reading with me. It was all I could do to get him to change his T–shirt. The new one reads ‘Black Death.’ I’m going to tell people it’s a rap band. Do you think it’s a rap band?”I figured it was probably his occupation, but I didn’t say that. Instead, I said the only thing I could think of to say.“Maybe you’d better buy some soy milk.”She hung up without saying good–bye.”

“We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!”