“A fool will study for twenty or thirty years and learn how to do something, but a wise man will study for twenty or thirty minutes and become an expert. In this world, it isn't ability that counts, but authority.”

“O great and mighty Master Li, pray impart to me the Secret of Wisdom!" he bawled."Take a large bowl," I said. "Fill it with equal measures of fact, fantasy, history, mythology, science, superstition, logic, and lunacy. Darken the mixture with bitter tears, brighten it with howls of laughter, toss in three thousand years of civilization, bellow kan pei — which means 'dry cup' — and drink to the dregs."Procopius stared at me. "And I will be wise?" he asked."Better," I said. "You will be Chinese.”

“Master Li, how are we going to murder a man who laughs at axes?" I asked.We are going to experiment, dear boy. Our first order of business will be to find a deranged alchemist, which should not be very difficult. China," said Master Li, "is overstocked with deranged alchemists.”

“....Master Li turned bright red while he scorched the air with the Sixty Sequential Sacrileges with which he had won the all-China Freestyle Blasphemy Competition in Hangchow three years in a row.”

“Immortality is only for the gods," he whispered. "I wonder how they can stand it.”

“The emotional health of a village depended upon having a man whom everyone loved to hate, and Heaven had blessed us with two of them.”

“Don't be ashamed of reliving your childhood, Ox, because all of us must do it now and then to maintain our sanity.”