“The emotional health of a village depended upon having a man whom everyone loved to hate, and Heaven had blessed us with two of them.”

“Blessed are the idiots, for they are happiest people on earth.”

“The problem with 'the crown jewel of Chinese literature' [Dream of the Red Chamber] is that it has two thousand pages and an equal number of characters, and the hero is an effeminate ass who should have either been spanked or decapitated, both ends being equally objectionable.”

“Don't be ashamed of reliving your childhood, Ox, because all of us must do it now and then to maintain our sanity.”

“A fool will study for twenty or thirty years and learn how to do something, but a wise man will study for twenty or thirty minutes and become an expert. In this world, it isn't ability that counts, but authority.”

“Our senses are woefully limited. Our brains are but tiny candles flickering in an infinity of darkness. Our only wisdom is to admit that we cannot understand, and since we cannot understand we must do the best we can with faith. which is our only talent. The greatest act of faith we are capable of is that of loving another more than we love ourselves, and occasionally we can be quite good at it.”

“Master Li, how are we going to murder a man who laughs at axes?" I asked.We are going to experiment, dear boy. Our first order of business will be to find a deranged alchemist, which should not be very difficult. China," said Master Li, "is overstocked with deranged alchemists.”