“(Man, I wish life had emoticons, you know? So that when your dad pisses you off you could like click a mental button or something and just show him one of those rolleyes. That would rock)Anyway.”

“Kevin: 'Hey, Dad. How do you stop people from being stupid?'Dad: 'You don't.'Kevin: 'Really?'Dad: 'I've tried to explain to people when they're being stupid, but then I realized something: Most people like being stupid.'Kevin: 'I don't get it.'Dad: 'Some people just prefer it. It makes their lives easier if they let other people think for them.'Kevin: 'But that doesn't make sense. That's just stu...Oh...”

“Mom's already dead!" I yelled at him. "Who the hell do you think you're saving?" And he just gave me his Sad, Tired look. It's one of the three he's got, the other two being Pissed Off and Blised Out on ESPN.”

“In baseball, when you get into the batter's box, that's it. It's just you. It's one man against the world. All that matters in that moment is your individual achievement and your individual skill. There is literally nothing that anyone else on your team can do for you. Hell, they're all sitting on the bench, waiting to see what happens, just like the fans in the crowd! It's just you and your bat. And the ball.”

“You and your scars. Please! You don't kill youself like this!" I gesture, holding a wrist turned up to the ceiling, then pretending to cut across it with my other hand. "That's just a cry for help. That's just attention. Everbody knows that. Cutting across just gets you to the hospital. That's just from movies and TV shows and stuff like that. You didn't really try to kill yourself. you just wanted attention, but you screwed up. Try harder next time.”

“Medicine cabinets are dangerous. Those doors, man. They'll just spring on you like a ninja.”

“In a way, i feel sorry for boys. They're weak. You show them boobs or a butt and they just fall apart.But I feel sorry for girls, too. Because girls get screwed, even when they're not naked with a guy. Everyone hates girls--even other girls. I mean, "girl" is like an insult, you know? "That's so girly." "Stop being a girl." "You're like a little girl."Hey, you know what? I was a little girl once and I kicked ass. I was awesome.”