“Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.”

“An empty skull is the vanitas symbol of modern education.”

“Water is very bad for one’s health. People in third world countries seem to drink nothing but water, and they are always dying.”

“The French: a people who have used their sophisticated culture and beautiful language to bequeath to the world the sliced potato.”

“We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.”

“After all else, there’s more yet: I don’t know what, though.”

“Use condoms; it’s wise not to gamble with your children's future.”