“Be true to your divided selves. They're the only ones who will support you in moments of vacillation.”

“I may be slow, but I know a racist when I’m called one - and I am proud to support the supremacy of the 100-meter leisurely stroll.”

“Dentistry is a precondition to love at first sight. When your eyes meet she beams with happiness, but when you smile back she shows her true reflexes.”

“Spending one’s last moments prostrated before the toilet is the supreme act of repentance. It allows one to relieve a heavy inner burden.”

“The only way to tell a fable is to introduce a human. The only way to tell a proverb is to introduce your grandfather.”

“One never owns a book. It sits on your shelf in a fine edition like a piece of furniture, and you are its admiring ward until it flies off from you in a time of financial hardship. If it is a tattered paperback, she is your casual mistress you use a few times. If you have read it a hundred times then it is your wife, and a source of infinite mystery.”

“As a captain whose vessel is about to crash on the rocks empties its souls of doubt, so are the hesitant useful for throwing off of an enterprise nearing its end: blame must be cast in failure, profits divided easily in success.”