“Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.”

“Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.”

“What is the world coming to when girls allow their hands to be kissed without gloves? That young people don't use proper protection these days is exactly why there are always so many colds going around.”

“A man without debts is a man without anything to live for. Debt is collateral for life. It provides you with obligations to others, gives you duty, gives you purpose: the purpose to protect those possessions which you would not otherwise have without your debt. Debt is the most responsible way to elevate your social position.”

“Buddhism: a violent religion that has compensated for the exploding human population by causing whole species of animal vessels to go extinct.”

“Spontaneous abortion: the opposite of immaculate conception. God has compensated for Christianity’s violent history by revealing that innocent blood does not have to be spilt.”

“Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.”