“Dentistry is a precondition to love at first sight. When your eyes meet she beams with happiness, but when you smile back she shows her true reflexes.”

“Sending love letters to first-graders will teach them lessons in cursive. But writing back will test their commitment.”

“I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.”

“When you don't hold your pipe with the proper poise, smoking is very hazardous for your image.”

“When it’s not enough to veto your children’s tendencies, you must in vitro them.”

“Be true to your divided selves. They're the only ones who will support you in moments of vacillation.”

“One never owns a book. It sits on your shelf in a fine edition like a piece of furniture, and you are its admiring ward until it flies off from you in a time of financial hardship. If it is a tattered paperback, she is your casual mistress you use a few times. If you have read it a hundred times then it is your wife, and a source of infinite mystery.”