“Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.”

“The French: a people who have used their sophisticated culture and beautiful language to bequeath to the world the sliced potato.”

“I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.”

“I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.”

“Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.”

“The only way to be completely self-consistent is to be constantly uttering paradoxes.”

“Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.”