“Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.”

“Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.”

“Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.”

“After all else, there’s more yet: I don’t know what, though.”

“Sympathy is why when a man is getting mugged, you let him keep his shirt after you take his life. Funerals are respectable affairs, after all.”

“The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.”

“I don’t believe in a lot of phenomena that fall under the term ‘parapsychology.’ Especially that one branch, psychology. You’re going to tell me there’s something inside my head, controlling me?”