“Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.”

“The French: a people who have used their sophisticated culture and beautiful language to bequeath to the world the sliced potato.”

“Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.”

“A man without debts is a man without anything to live for. Debt is collateral for life. It provides you with obligations to others, gives you duty, gives you purpose: the purpose to protect those possessions which you would not otherwise have without your debt. Debt is the most responsible way to elevate your social position.”

“Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.”

“Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.”

“It is a known fact that pain and pleasure are the two most basic elements of life. But the secret is to simplify that fact.”