“First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.”

“When one's unconscious is full of vice, nothing realizes inner potential like hypocrisy.”

“Sending love letters to first-graders will teach them lessons in cursive. But writing back will test their commitment.”

“Have a baby shower, then an abortion. Now you just have to lose a little weight to squeeze into all your skimpy new outfits.”

“Dentistry is a precondition to love at first sight. When your eyes meet she beams with happiness, but when you smile back she shows her true reflexes.”

“Seize something wonderful; don't lose your chance waiting for it to become legal.”

“Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion.”