“Have a baby shower, then an abortion. Now you just have to lose a little weight to squeeze into all your skimpy new outfits.”

“Spontaneous abortion: the opposite of immaculate conception. God has compensated for Christianity’s violent history by revealing that innocent blood does not have to be spilt.”

“Seize something wonderful; don't lose your chance waiting for it to become legal.”

“First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.”

“One never owns a book. It sits on your shelf in a fine edition like a piece of furniture, and you are its admiring ward until it flies off from you in a time of financial hardship. If it is a tattered paperback, she is your casual mistress you use a few times. If you have read it a hundred times then it is your wife, and a source of infinite mystery.”

“A man without debts is a man without anything to live for. Debt is collateral for life. It provides you with obligations to others, gives you duty, gives you purpose: the purpose to protect those possessions which you would not otherwise have without your debt. Debt is the most responsible way to elevate your social position.”

“If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.”