“Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.”

“Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.”

“As a captain whose vessel is about to crash on the rocks empties its souls of doubt, so are the hesitant useful for throwing off of an enterprise nearing its end: blame must be cast in failure, profits divided easily in success.”

“A hobby is labor disguising itself as leisure. It is extremely destructive to the boundaries of private life.”

“What’s outside my head and what’s inside my head aren’t worth mentioning. What’s worth mentioning is what’s on my head – my hair. Whatever happens, I’ll still be as fashionably coiffed as I was before the war broke out and I got dementia.”

“Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.”

“When it’s not enough to veto your children’s tendencies, you must in vitro them.”