“I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.”

“It is so wearisome having to represent things. That is why I refuse to look at abstract art. It is much too suggestive of the style of my thoughts, and I never think about my thoughts.”

“I may be slow, but I know a racist when I’m called one - and I am proud to support the supremacy of the 100-meter leisurely stroll.”

“I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.”

“I dropped out of school and congratulated myself for my diligence. Few realize how hard one has to work to resist the pressures of conventional success.”

“Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.”

“I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.”