“I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.”

“What is the world coming to when girls allow their hands to be kissed without gloves? That young people don't use proper protection these days is exactly why there are always so many colds going around.”

“Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.”

“Water is very bad for one’s health. People in third world countries seem to drink nothing but water, and they are always dying.”

“The French: a people who have used their sophisticated culture and beautiful language to bequeath to the world the sliced potato.”

“We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.”

“Dentistry is a precondition to love at first sight. When your eyes meet she beams with happiness, but when you smile back she shows her true reflexes.”