“I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.”

“Water is very bad for one’s health. People in third world countries seem to drink nothing but water, and they are always dying.”

“I ran into an old friend on the street and we started up a conversation. Four hours and six bottles of wine later, we decided the weather was just too unpredictable, and we parted ways.”

“The smaller the dinner table, the better the side conversation: you can gossip about the guests without fearing whether you will be overheard. It just isn't good table manners to exclude someone from their own ridicule. That's why the juiciest side conversations occur at a table for one.”

“One nation, under God, with consciousness – the practical man serves the highest abstraction with juggling training.”

“Flatterers should be mistrusted, especially when they praise the dead. To seek a place in society is self-serving, but to seek one in history affects everyone.”

“I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.”