“Inconsistent parenting creates confusion. When I'm pitting mom against dad, they never know what to expect.”

“Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.”

“Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.”

“After all else, there’s more yet: I don’t know what, though.”

“When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.”

“Usually I am the only subject I care to discuss with company. But when I'm getting reacquainted with an old friend, I really enjoy just sitting back and listening to them talk about me for a while.”

“I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.”