“Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.”

“I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.”

“Frogs. We all want their long tongues and jumping power, but aspiring superheroes rarely consider the benefits of growing up as sperm.”

“Rioter: a person who wants dinner, and needs a TV to eat it with.”

“It is so wearisome having to represent things. That is why I refuse to look at abstract art. It is much too suggestive of the style of my thoughts, and I never think about my thoughts.”

“Usually I am the only subject I care to discuss with company. But when I'm getting reacquainted with an old friend, I really enjoy just sitting back and listening to them talk about me for a while.”

“Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.”