“Seize something wonderful; don't lose your chance waiting for it to become legal.”

“Have a baby shower, then an abortion. Now you just have to lose a little weight to squeeze into all your skimpy new outfits.”

“When you don't hold your pipe with the proper poise, smoking is very hazardous for your image.”

“Don't drink away your dreams; drink towards them.”

“Don't swallow: your bulging, blushing cheeks display the saliva you want to share.”

“Like a valet who commits grand theft auto not to go for a joy ride but to open a used car lot, so do we seize upon love not to revel in its ecstasies but to haggle over its blue-book value.”

“First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.”