“Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.”

“Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.”

“I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.”

“I may be slow, but I know a racist when I’m called one - and I am proud to support the supremacy of the 100-meter leisurely stroll.”

“When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.”

“I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.”

“I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.”