“The French: a people who have used their sophisticated culture and beautiful language to bequeath to the world the sliced potato.”

“Folk wisdom: quaint sayings of urban sophisticates compiled from the suburbs.”

“Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.”

“I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.”

“What is the world coming to when girls allow their hands to be kissed without gloves? That young people don't use proper protection these days is exactly why there are always so many colds going around.”

“Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.”

“Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.”