“Usually I am the only subject I care to discuss with company. But when I'm getting reacquainted with an old friend, I really enjoy just sitting back and listening to them talk about me for a while.”

“I ran into an old friend on the street and we started up a conversation. Four hours and six bottles of wine later, we decided the weather was just too unpredictable, and we parted ways.”

“Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.”

“The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.”

“I may be slow, but I know a racist when I’m called one - and I am proud to support the supremacy of the 100-meter leisurely stroll.”

“When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.”

“Hypocrisy is a quality found in others. I am an optimist. I believe that saying the right thing will eventually cause people to do the right thing for me.”