“Water is very bad for one’s health. People in third world countries seem to drink nothing but water, and they are always dying.”

“I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.”

“You can always tell the quality of an author by their cover picture. Bad writers bear an idiotic smile on the inside flap. Great writers take up the entire back cover looking slightly mad, sad, or bored. The very best writers, though, had the superior ability to die before photography was invented.”

“Self-awareness of one’s faults, far from being the first step to growth, is very often the second foot in the mud.”

“I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.”

“What is the world coming to when girls allow their hands to be kissed without gloves? That young people don't use proper protection these days is exactly why there are always so many colds going around.”

“Don't drink away your dreams; drink towards them.”