“When cultivating your garden, keep the soil healthy with encroachers. The most redolent flowers grow over graves.”

“Don’t take drugs. Asking politely promotes healthy stereotypes.”

“To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor.”

“Sympathy is why when a man is getting mugged, you let him keep his shirt after you take his life. Funerals are respectable affairs, after all.”

“When you don't hold your pipe with the proper poise, smoking is very hazardous for your image.”

“I lost something magical in the process of growing up – my disillusionment.”

“Performance enhancements are most impressive when used by that sedentary athlete, the videogamer. After he turns to hitchhiking in disgrace, his giant thumbs can take him anywhere.”