“Life has to be a little nuts sometimes. Otherwise it's just a bunch of Thursdays strung together.”

“A life of fiction based on fact”

“The Summer of Jake and Roxie – it was the best summer of my life.”

“He dropped his pants and went at it looking like Winnie-the-Pooh in his red polo shirt.”

“The most valuable moments and experiences that life has to offer are found only along its most treacherous paths.”

“I wish Rick would be gang-raped by a bunch of Muslim garbage collectors.”

“As far as I'm concerned, baldness is the male breast cancer, only much worse because almost everyone gets it. True, it's not life-threatening. Just social-life threatening. But in New York City, there is no difference.”