“Having a dick is one of the most dangerous things on the planet. How many people are eaten by sharks each year? How many guys lose everything they've got because of their dick? Yet the Discovery Channel has Shark week every other fucking month. Why doesn't it have Dick Week? That would be the scariest seven days in the history of television.”

“Got staples on my dick. Why? Fucking centerfolds.”

“But Dick had come away for his soul's sake, and he began thinking about that. He had lost himself--he could not tell the hour when, or the day or the week, the month or the year.”

“Live every week like it's shark week.”

“... it occurred to me that never again would he be seven years, one month and six days old, so we had better catch these moments while we can.”

“The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.”

“Clever dicks will notice that the figure changes as the boat gets deeper or lighter because the area of the waterplane changes. You can go on enjoying arithmetic all night like this and never go sailing at all.”