“Old is always fifteen years from now.”

“i was'nt always black. there was this freckel that just grew and grew...”

“The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now.”

“Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.”

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.”

“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”

“That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.”