“If I die tomorrow, next year or whenever it might be, I'll know I've had a great life.”

“From what I've seen of (Larry) Bird, he's not just one bird. He's a whole flock!”

“I just want to make it clear first of all that I do not have the AIDS disease. I plan on being here for a long time. Life is going to go on for me and I'm going to be a happy man. But sometimes you're a little naive and think 'it's not going to happen to me. It only happens to other people.' But here I am saying that it can happen to anybody. Even me, Magic Johnson.”

“If you're going to break the rules, you might as well break them correctly.”

“If the president and the Vice President dies who becomes President" "Thats easy Arnold Swartzanager”

“footnote:"With all due respect" is grown-up talk for "I think you're stupid.”

“It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.”