“I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man.”

“What are you talking about?" Narcissus demanded. "I am amazing. Everyone knows this.""Amazing at pure suck," Leo said. "If I was as suck as you, I'd drown myself. Oh wait, you already did that.”

“I can't stand a man who fawns, you know what I mean? I can't stand a man sucking up to me, but he was the kind who took you right on the floor and he didn't even look at you afterwards when he zipped up his pants.”

“My life sucked, and it would catch up to me, and I'd just crack.”

“William Shakespeare: I have a wife, yes, and I cannot marry the daughter of Sir Robert De Lesseps. You needed no wife come from Stratford to tell you that, and yet, you let me come to your bed.Viola De Lesseps: Calf-love. I loved the writer and gave up the prize for a sonnet.”

“I know," he said in almost bored contemplation. "My manners suck. I like to chalk it up to a dissatisfying childhood.""I'd chalk it up to that narcissistic personality disorder laces with a smidgen of schizophrenia. Your mother would be proud.”