“Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.”

“New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are “same sex” marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.”

“Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.”

“Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to send the right message to kids.”

“Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism is… precisely not that. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position”

“When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.”

“If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.”