“When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.”

“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”

“you know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!!”

“Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to send the right message to kids.”

“I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.”

“If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".”

“New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.”