“You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.”

“This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.”

“New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.”

“you know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!!”

“Don't you miss the days when America was just MORALLY bankrupt?”

“I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.”

“Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to send the right message to kids.”