“Calvin: Dad where do babies come from?Dad: Well Calvin, you simply go to Sears, buy the kit and follow the assembly instructions.Calvin: I came from Sears?Dad: No you were a blue-light special at K-Mart - almost as good and a lot cheaper!”

“Dad: Honey, have you seen my glasses? I can"t find them.Mom: I haven't seen them.Calvin: (with glasses, to Dad) Calvin, go do something you hate! Being miserable builds character!”

“[Calvin, who has the chicken pox, calls Susie on the telephone.] Susie: Hello? Calvin: Hi, Susie! It's me, Calvin! I was wondering if you'd like to come over and play. Susie: Why, sure! Boy, I don't think you've ever invited me to... Calvin's Mom: Calvin, what are you doing? Calvin: Nothing, Mom. Go away. Calvin's Mom: You're contagious! You can't have anyone over to play! Calvin: Shhhh! Shhhh! You'll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching... HEY! OW! LET GO! Susie: [Hanging up the phone] Any chance of getting transferred, Dad?”

“The world isn't fair, Calvin.""I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?”

“They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time, but since you never know when the right time is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right place and just hang around.”

“CALVIN: Hey, I got some mail! It's a Valentine card. HOBBES: From Susie Derkins!CALVIN: It says "Please be my Valentine." HOBBES: You're Susie's Valentine!CALVIN: I'm not her Valentine just because I got this in the mail, am I? Does the Post Master General know about this?HOBBES: Calvin and Susie, sitting in a tree-ee! Kay-eye-ess-ess-eye-en-gee!CALVIN: I don't have the KISS her, do I?! Is that what Valentines do??! Oh, gross!HOBBES: First comes lo-ove, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage!CALVIN: This can't be happening! I need a lawyer! She can't make me be her Valentine! HOBBES: Here she comes! Here comes Susie!SUSIE: Hi, Calvin.CALVIN: Get away from me! I'm not your Valentine! Take your card back! Eww! Girls! YECCHH!SUSIE: That card wasn't for YOU, you Moron. Didn't you read the back of the envelope? CALVIN: "Calvin, please give this to Hobbes." HOBBES?!HOBBES: Me? Really? Hot dog! Smooch City, here I come!”

“I'm learning skills I will use for the rest of my life by doing homework...procrastinating and negotiation.”