“Hee hee hee! You should've seen the look on your face!""If mom and dad cared about me at all, they'd buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles.”

“Hey Dad, will you buy me a flame thrower? Of course not. Don't be silly. Even if I didn't use it in the house?”

“Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it.”

“I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.”

“Dad: Honey, have you seen my glasses? I can"t find them.Mom: I haven't seen them.Calvin: (with glasses, to Dad) Calvin, go do something you hate! Being miserable builds character!”

“[Calvin, who has the chicken pox, calls Susie on the telephone.] Susie: Hello? Calvin: Hi, Susie! It's me, Calvin! I was wondering if you'd like to come over and play. Susie: Why, sure! Boy, I don't think you've ever invited me to... Calvin's Mom: Calvin, what are you doing? Calvin: Nothing, Mom. Go away. Calvin's Mom: You're contagious! You can't have anyone over to play! Calvin: Shhhh! Shhhh! You'll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching... HEY! OW! LET GO! Susie: [Hanging up the phone] Any chance of getting transferred, Dad?”

“Barney's Dad was really bad so Barney hatched a planwhen his dad said "Eat your peas."Barney shouted no and ranBarney tricked his mean old dad and locked him in the cellarBarney's Mom never found out where he'd gone,Cause Barney didn't tell her.There his dad spent his life eating mice and gruelWith every bite for fifty yearshe was sorry he'd been cruel”