“Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am? ”

“County library? Reference desk, please. Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that's the problem. I don't know how to spell it and I'm not allowed to say it. Could you just rattle off all the swear words you know and I'll stop you when...Hello?”

“Dad: Honey, have you seen my glasses? I can"t find them.Mom: I haven't seen them.Calvin: (with glasses, to Dad) Calvin, go do something you hate! Being miserable builds character!”

“The world isn't fair, Calvin.""I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?”

“Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it.”

“[Calvin, who has the chicken pox, calls Susie on the telephone.] Susie: Hello? Calvin: Hi, Susie! It's me, Calvin! I was wondering if you'd like to come over and play. Susie: Why, sure! Boy, I don't think you've ever invited me to... Calvin's Mom: Calvin, what are you doing? Calvin: Nothing, Mom. Go away. Calvin's Mom: You're contagious! You can't have anyone over to play! Calvin: Shhhh! Shhhh! You'll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching... HEY! OW! LET GO! Susie: [Hanging up the phone] Any chance of getting transferred, Dad?”

“Barney's Dad was really bad so Barney hatched a planwhen his dad said "Eat your peas."Barney shouted no and ranBarney tricked his mean old dad and locked him in the cellarBarney's Mom never found out where he'd gone,Cause Barney didn't tell her.There his dad spent his life eating mice and gruelWith every bite for fifty yearshe was sorry he'd been cruel”