“I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. - Calvin”

“Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it.”

“[Calvin, who has the chicken pox, calls Susie on the telephone.] Susie: Hello? Calvin: Hi, Susie! It's me, Calvin! I was wondering if you'd like to come over and play. Susie: Why, sure! Boy, I don't think you've ever invited me to... Calvin's Mom: Calvin, what are you doing? Calvin: Nothing, Mom. Go away. Calvin's Mom: You're contagious! You can't have anyone over to play! Calvin: Shhhh! Shhhh! You'll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching... HEY! OW! LET GO! Susie: [Hanging up the phone] Any chance of getting transferred, Dad?”

“Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin. Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.”

“CALVIN: Hey, I got some mail! It's a Valentine card. HOBBES: From Susie Derkins!CALVIN: It says "Please be my Valentine." HOBBES: You're Susie's Valentine!CALVIN: I'm not her Valentine just because I got this in the mail, am I? Does the Post Master General know about this?HOBBES: Calvin and Susie, sitting in a tree-ee! Kay-eye-ess-ess-eye-en-gee!CALVIN: I don't have the KISS her, do I?! Is that what Valentines do??! Oh, gross!HOBBES: First comes lo-ove, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage!CALVIN: This can't be happening! I need a lawyer! She can't make me be her Valentine! HOBBES: Here she comes! Here comes Susie!SUSIE: Hi, Calvin.CALVIN: Get away from me! I'm not your Valentine! Take your card back! Eww! Girls! YECCHH!SUSIE: That card wasn't for YOU, you Moron. Didn't you read the back of the envelope? CALVIN: "Calvin, please give this to Hobbes." HOBBES?!HOBBES: Me? Really? Hot dog! Smooch City, here I come!”

“Calvin: Know what I pray for?Hobbes: What?Calvin: The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference.”

“Calvin is hammering nails into coffee table.Mom: CALVIN WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE COFFEE TABLE?!?Calvin: Is this some sort of trick question, or what?”