“What horrifies me most about war memorials is that no anti-war sentiments are ever displayed. It's as if war is fun or noble, when actually it's all about shit and snot and blood and guts and soldiers stomachs hanging out and people with their faces blown off. But they never showed that side of it. Perhaps, if they did, there'd be less of it.”

“So I'm on a little one-man crusade to bring the obituary closer to the front of the paper. Let's sing a bit louder about the unsung. Rather than spending all our time watching stupid people doing stupid things and being filmed by other stupid people on reality TV shows, why don't we spend a few minutes each day reading about good people doing good things? I'm not being a hippy. It's just that we've got to improve ourselves as a species or we are absolutely doomed.”

“Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.”

“Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.”

“When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?”

“We were watching this procession. It was fucking terrible and the crucifix was about 20 feet high coming around the corner. And my wee grandson says, 'who's that?' I say, 'that's Jesus'. He says, 'BABY JESUS?!' I say, 'yeah, that's him'. He says, 'SOMEBODY KILLED BABY JESUS!' It was the most sincere religious cry. If Christians did that, I would believe them. 'WHAT? THE BASTARDS KILLED JESUS!”

“All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.”