“People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now.”

“I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.”

“Personally, I don’t think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?”

“Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.”

“Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.”

“I used to want to fix people, but now I just want to be with them.”

“I used to think God wouldn’t talk to me, but now I know I’m just selective with what I choose to hear.”