“Her smile was like a Samuel Beckett play - easy to read but difficult to interpret.”

“Pam was a struggling artist who made everyone's life difficult. She only wore black and after becoming acquainted with her I couldn't decide if this was a deliberate fashion choice or whether it was physically impossible for any color to escape from the gravitational pull of her dark and bitter personality.”

“It wasn't easy telling my family that I'm gay. I made my carefully worded announcement at Thanksgiving. It was very Norman Rockwell. I said, 'Mom, would you please pass the gravy to a homosexual?' She passed it to my father. A terrible scene followed.”

“Love at first sight makes perfect sense because we're all pressed for time.”

“I'm bored, lalalallalalala OLLI OXEN SOMETHING"!!”

“One of the many problems with aging is that you begin to think of yourself as a slob because your birthday suit can never be cleaned or pressed no matter how spotted or wrinkled it gets”

“The chilling thought occurred to me that breaking up with someone you love to criticize might be the only way to save yourself from becoming unlovable”