“I have never seen a situation so dismal that a policeman couldn't make it worse.”

“I respect kindness in human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper and the old men and old women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer.”

“Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.”

“I saw a sign that said 'Drink Canada Dry'. So I did.”

“When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.”

“They took away our land, our language, and our religion; but they could never harness our tongues...”

“It's a queer world, God knows, but the best we have to be going on with.”